Struggling

My baby is 10 weeks old today.

10 weeks has passed since the light of my life got so much bigger. My Carly Kate smiles and coos, loves to look at the TV, LOVES LOVES LOVES her sister and Sawyer Brown, and can't get enough of the boob. This little woman is an eating machine. She sleeps in 6 or 7 hour stretches at night and is such a happy baby.

We took her to her to her 2 month appointment yesterday and she weight 12 1/2 pounds and is 24.5 inches long, and clearly a genius. Okay, those were not the EXACT words that the doctor used, but close enough. I swear. LOL

In the last 10 weeks I have blogged a little bit (a really LITTLE bit - it is hard to find a moment around here without someone needing something) about my transition from "Hayden's mom" to the "mom of two under two". And as I have said, it has had it's ups and downs. But all in all, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

But I have to admit something. Something that is hard for me to say.

I am struggling.

...

I am not sure WHAT exactly I am struggling WITH per say, I just feel like a hot mess sometimes.

Sometimes I just want to cry. It isn't like things suck - I have two happy kids, the baby hardly ever cries and adores her mommy, Hayden is smart and hilarious. I am perpetually behind on laundry and house work, but honestly, that is nothing new. I have the opportunity to stay home with my girls, which i am thankful for in every way - it isn't like I want to get away from them.

I am not struggling with my kids so much as I am struggling with myself.

Like I said, I can't put my finger on it. I am just in a funk. Sometimes I just feel a little sad and overwhelmed.

I feel like I used to be happy and fun. I used to make people laugh. I used to try new things. I used to be a pretty happy-go-lucky girl. I used to think I was pretty and smart and that I could take on the world.

These days, I am just... well, not ME.

I am grouchy and short tempered, reclusive and lonely. JUST.NOT.ME.

And my husband, try as he might, doesn't really understand. In his defense, he tries - but he is not a woman who just had a baby, spends all day with a demanding almost 2 year old and puts too much pressure on herself to take care of everyone else and not enough time into taking care of herself.
I guess am still adjusting. And maybe going through a bit of the baby blues.

It is hard for me to say that because it makes me feel like it sounds like I don't love my kids. I makes me worry that by saying that I am a little on the blue side that other people with think that I don't love them or that I love them less. I don't want anyone to think that I am not grateful every minute of my life for Hayden and Carly - for two healthy children. I am so grateful for them that it HURTS. I love them so much that it HURTS. But saying out loud that I am struggling makes me feel like a terrible mother.

And by putting all of this out there, by baring my soul via the blogosphere, I am worry that everyone will think less of me. Or treat me like a baby or something. That isn't what I need. I just need a little release. I need to get it out there and talk about it so that I can move on.
I know that everything in this crazy life is fleeting - it won't be like this forever. I won't feel so "not me" forever. I hope that things get back on track. I miss ME - and I know that my husband does too. And my kids deserve ME - not this me that I have been lately. I love them more than anything, and I need to teach them how to be the amazing women that I know they are destined to be. I want to give them the kind of unconditional love that they deserve.

I guess that maybe I just need to step back and give MYSELF that same kind of love, too. I am working on it.