Friday, March 29, 2013

I'm baaaaccckkkkkkk.....

Hello, Blogosphere.

Tis, I, your long (really really long) lost friend, Allison.

I'm back.

I've missed you.

I solved my never-ending computer problems today.  How, you ask?

By buying a new computer, of course. 

So I'm going to quit sucking so bad and get back to business here in BloggyLand.

And what better way to get back into things than a bathroom story??  Everyone loves a bathroom story, right?  (Okay, if you don't love a bathroom story, now is the time to navigate away from the page.  Have a nice day, non-poop loving friend.)

Today, the girls and I went to have a Girl's Day with my mom.  She had a doctor's appointment, so we figured that we'd tag along and do lunch and my kids requested a trip to Target - plus I had to hunt down a new laptop - so we decided to make a day of it

We decided to lunch at Olive Garden.  Hayden has recently decided that she only loves macaroni and cheese or peanut butter and jelly. That is literally all that she likes.  She eats other things, but it is with much irritation and eye rolling and reminders that "This is NOT my favorite!" Sigh.  Being three is HARD.  Anyway, we knew that they have macaroni and cheese there, so we wouldn't have to sit with an annoying, complaining child the entire time.  (The things that dictate where we eat these days probably seem crazy to the toddler/preschooler-free population, I know.  But truthfully, it isn't the craziest reason we have for any decision we make these days.  Trust me.)

Anyway, when we arrived and were seated at Olive Garden, as happens in every public place we go to, Hoot had to go potty.  There is something about public restrooms - kids can't resist.

So Hoot and I excuse ourselves and head for the bathroom.

SIDE NOTE.... this has nothing to do with this specific story, or maybe it kind of does, I dunno - but I have a passionate hatred for using multi-hole bathrooms.  I hate how everyone can hear all of the embarrassing conversations my kids want to have in there.  "MOM! Someone down there has beautiful boots!!" as she peeks under the stalls and into the neighboring ones.  "MOM! Are you going poop or pee?"  "MOM! Someone there is tooting so loud! They must be pooping!!"


OKAY. Back on track. 

So we go in the bathroom and we use the big stall. I always do when I am with my kids.  The others are too close for comfort.  Hayden finishes peeing and I go to wipe her butt.

And....  horror of horrors...  I will never be the same...


And now I was the one with the embarrassing things coming out of my mouth.  I yelled, "Holy shit balls, Hayden, you just crapped on my hand!" And we start laugh hysterically. Sometimes it's all there is left to do.

We washed up (REALLY well) went back to the table and we ordered our lunch, colored a little, and then Hayden informed me that she had to go again. Apparently when I jumped the gun and wiped her butt too soon so that she pooped on my hand, it scared her and she still had to go. 

So off to the bathroom we go.  Again.

And we enter the big bathroom. Again.

Hayden goes poop. Again.

Luckily, I am smart enough to keep my hand out of the way and my kid doesn't poop on me again.

But when we come out, there is a little old lady standing there waiting.  I say a polite, "Excuse us," and walk past her as she spits, "Well, I hope it was worth it!"

 I turned and smiled and said, "I'm sorry?  Come again?" 

And again, she spit, "I hope it was worth it!  That bathroom is for the handicapped. Like me. Not just anyone who wants to use it.  I've been out here waiting forever while you're messing around in there!"

I didn't know what to say.  She was so belligerent and rude. I just looked at her.  For a second, I considered letting loose on her. But I didn't. In fact, I smiled and I told her to have a nice day.

You can't tell me that I'm the only mom who uses those bathrooms when I'm with my kids.  So there. And seriously, Lady?? Tell me about it after you have had another human being shit on your hand in the very same bathroom that is in question, then we can talk.

So, that is my bathroom story.  My kid pooped directly on my hand and I got bawled out by an old lady with a bad attitude.  And then I was nice to her anyway.

And I'm back in BloggyLand.

Didja miss me??



  1. Haha its 2am and I just husband.jump by laughing!! I would have told her oh my child just shit on me and.the toilet. its ready for you now!! ugh old people sometimes expect too much to be handed to.them!

  2. Lol! We always use the big stall if we can - especially since I am preggo and big as a house! Some of the regular stalls are super small!

    Glad you are back! :)