For the most part, I am pretty confident in my mothering abilities.
When my HootOwl was born, Garrett and I went into parenting with very few expectations of ourselves – all we expected was to love her and keep her safe, and do the best we could for her. When you enter situations with few expectations, you are less likely to be disappointed when you can’t live up to them – turns out that the only place that the Clark Griswold Effect hasn’t plagued my life is in the parenting department.
But lately, in my hormonal state, with Carly’s due date looming down on me (9 weeks and 1 day – but who is counting?) my confidence is wavering some. I have moments of panic and total anxiety, where I am thinking to myself, “How can I do this with TWO?” and even (I have so much mommy guilt over this one) “What if I can’t love a second one as much as I love the first?”
Honestly, how can everyone get what they need? Hoot is used to being the center of my world, and Carly will never be afforded the undivided attention that Hoot has had.
I feel like I am drowning in laundry and dishes with one kid here – what will happen with a toddler and a newborn? My husband and I argue about the state of affairs in the housekeeping area often these days, but sometimes there just isn’t enough time/energy/attention to cover everything, and if I have to choose something to suffer, I will choose the house every time – I know that someday when I kids are grown I will not wish that I played with them less so that I had had a neater house.
I am already running behind on time everywhere I go with just myself one kid to get ready. I am going to have to camp out at places like hair appointments and story hour and other places where I want to be on time (or even close) when there are two kids! LOL
I feel like if it is this way with one, am I really qualified for two? There is no on-the-job training for nursing a newborn while wrangling a defiant toddler whose new favorite phrase is, “NO, NO, MAMA!!” or rinsing poop out of tiny onesies with one hand and supervising a big girl on the potty with the other – or for the million other scenarios that will no doubt come up in just the first two days alone. LOL
Most concerning to me is the worries I have over loving them enough. I love Hayden so fiercely it hurts – how can I feel that times two? Is it even possible to have that much going on in your heart and not just implode? Or does someone have to get less from me? Will I look at my sweet little Carly Kate and feel the same way that I felt the first time I saw Hootie? Will she just join her sister in the center of my world and my love will just double? I like to think that love isn’t a finite thing – that there isn’t just X-amount of it and it has to divide between my kids, that it will multiply two-fold – but at this time I am just having a hard time wrapping my head around it even being possible.
Don’t get me wrong – I am excited to start this adventure, I can’t wait to meet CarlyBug and I have faith in the fact that this family will find a new normal and that everyone will grow and blossom. But right now it feels so overwhelming. It feels like my two girls under two are going to bring on a world of chaos that I cannot prepare myself for.
For now, I am trying to get back to that place of lower expectations, faith that things work out as they should.
Mostly, I have to remember one thing – dirty dishes in the sink, mountain of laundry aside, I AM MOM ENOUGH FOR MY KIDS. I am mom enough becasue I am doing my best and giving this family everything that I have. That alone is enough for now.