goodbye, best friend.

Piper Penelope

6/5/2005-12/7/2011

Night before last, I said goodbye to my sweet little Granny Pug.  She finally let go.  She hasn't really been "herself" for a long time, so her passing away is very bittersweet.  She isn't hurting or confused anymore, but I miss her so much.

On Wednesday night when she died, Garrett was boarding a plane for Las Vegas and my parents were bringing dinner over  to my house.  Piper was having another "episode" and I had decided long before now that we were done taking heroic measures to keep her going.  She was kind of a shell of the dog she was before Carly was born 14 weeks ago, but I spent the last 14 weeks taking care of her and loving her unconditionally - just like she had loved me for the last 6 1/2 years.

I will miss everything about her.  As I have told you before, she didn't always have the best behavior.  She never came when called unless you had a snack. She was the picture of disobedience.  She had secret thumbs and could break into any container, cupboard, room, whatever.  Like a tiny ninja.

She also had a heart of gold.  She had many adventures.  If someone didn't like her, she would force herself upon them until they did.  The other night when i posted about her dying on Facebook, I got around 50 comments -and many of them included a memory about my sweet girl.  She was pretty unforgettable.

Piper taught me a lot about myself.  She taught me to be a mom, to put someone else first.  She taught me patience (you need a lot of that with a dog like Piper in your house) and she taught me kindness.  In her last months with me, she taught me that sometimes things are hard, sometimes you have to watch someone you love have seizures, get lost in the backyard, forget where she is. Sometimes you have to see things you don't want to see your friend go through - but you do because that is what it means to be a friend. 

When Hayden was born, everyone told me that i would love Piper less.  That never happened for me.  I loved her like she was one of my children.  She was more than just a pet.

Wednesday night when Piper wasn't doing well and my husband was out of town and my parents  were on the way, I held my baby dog and told her that it was okay for her to let go. I will be okay again someday, not to worry about me.  I told her that I loved her so much and that I always would. I stepped out of the room to nurse the baby and call my mom and Piper listened to me for the first time in her life.  She just let go.

My heart is pretty much in a million pieces.

Garrett isn't  home yet, so my dad buried her in a sunny spot in the backyard. 

Hayden keeps asking me where Weenie-Pug is.  She wants to let her in, to feed her, to kiss her.  I told her that Piper is in Heaven and not coming back.  My heart breaks a little more every time she asks because I want to do those things, too.

All of this has me asking myself why we do this to ourselves - why do we let someone like a dog into our lives, knowing that we will out live them and that we will have to feel this crushing grief.  The only answer that I can think of is that it is Piper teaching me one last thing.  She is showing me that I am strong, that I can open my heart and love someone with everything i have knowing that the outcome will someday hurt.  She is teaching me that it is worth it.  She is showing me that loss and grief are not the end.

I miss you so much, PiperDoggie.  You are in my heart forever.  Rest with love, sweet girl.  I love you.  I hope you are somewhere great, running with other dogs, being your old bossy self.  Daddy and I will  never forget you.  You will always be our first baby.  <3