Bad Mommy

Dear Carly,

Please forgive me.

Getting you to take a nap was a nightmare today.  You screamed for an hour, bit me several times, pinched, hit, kicked, screamed some more. 

It was terrible. I lost my patience.  I yelled at you.  I told you to shut up.  "Why the hell are you crying?!" I yelled.

Your Daddy walked in just in time to hear me yelling at you.  You went straight to him and snuggled into his arms and went to sleep.  And rightfully so, because he was kind and patient and loving to both of us - even if I didn't exactly deserve it in that moment.

I feel like crap about it all.  I feel like a terrible mommy.  You are just a little girl, and things aren't always easy. 

I understand that most of the time. 

But today, I totally lost my cool.  I am ashamed that I yelled at a crying baby.  You and Daddy both probably think I'm a monster.  Daddy asked if I wanted to run to town for a minute just to get away.  I told him no.  All I really want to do now that you are asleep is hold you and cry and tell you how sorry I am that I was so mean. 

I now that being little is hard. I know that sometimes we just don't know why the hell we are crying, sometimes we just can't answer that question. 

I love you more than you can know, tiny Bug - even if my actions today didn't seem like it.  I sometimes act like I have all the answers, like sometimes I have everything together, like I'm a Super Mom.  But the truth is that sometimes I feel like a little girl myself. Sometimes, I just don't know what to do.  I am flawed, little one.  Very much so.  And sometimes, this mom gig is a bitch.  It's hard.  But,  I'm trying.  I'm trying so hard to give you only my best. Yelling at you is not the way to do that, I know.  But even when I am mad, or I yell, or I lose my patience, I still love every particle of you, Sweet Girl.  That is the kind of love that doesn't stop, even when things are hard. 

The small beauty of this big mess is that when you wake up, I can apologize and cuddle you, and we can start over.  But for now, I am going to cry a little, watch you sleep - and with any luck, I am going to forgive myself. 

Love, Mommy