i am sad today

I am feeling stressed out today, and a little bit sad.

And when I tell you the reason I am stressed you just might travel to my front door by land, sea, or air just to smack me across the face.  Believe me.  I think that it’s crazy too.

I am sad and stressed because it looks like my husband and I are going here:

That’s right, kids – ROME.  As in Italy.  The Coliseum. Gladiators. The Pope.  THAT Rome.

Every year, the top 100 producer’s at my husband’s company are the winners of a rather large incentive trip.  We have been on three of these so far.  Every year he has been eligible to get this award, he has won it.  I am so proud of him – he has been in the top 100 for three (and now four years if we include the reason for my depression) in a row, which is a huge accomplishment.  He is truly gifted at the job he does and for so many reasons even aside from the trips, I am thankful that he is so good at his job. 

I am not gonna lie – the trips are pretty freaking great too. 

We have seen Ireland

And Mexico.

And Hawaii’s Big Island.  (Yes Hayden is in this picture.  And no, kids are not allowed on these trips.  We were unaware it was such a big deal.  She was 3 months old. And yes, we got in trouble.  Long story, don’t ask. LOL)

On these trips you are treated to the most posh experience of your life – fine food, gorgeous rooms, and experiences that you would never have otherwise. 

I just feel like I can’t get excited about this Rome trip, which is coming up in the middle of April 2011.  Leaving Hayden is going to be so hard.  A week is just too long.  She will be at my parents house, being loved and spoiled until she bursts, so it isn’t like I am worried she won’t be okay.  It is a little more complicated than that.

Mostly, what I am sad about is that with Hoot turning one, and the impending doom of this trip to Rome, I have a deadline for weaning my child from the boob.

As I have told you before, when Owl was born, I was hell-bent on nursing her as long as I could.  But truth be told, I was cautious not to get my hopes up that it would last.  My original goal was three months, then six, then nine – and then finally, after that I could say that I was planning on nursing my kid for a year.  I love nursing my baby –it is the hardest thing that I have ever loved doing. And I am so proud of the fact that Hayden will have had breast milk for a year and that I stuck with it, even when it was hard…  Exclusively breastfeeding is a huge commitment for a mom to make. At first, she had a hard time latching so we used a nipple shield, which she weaned herself from at 4.5 months old – and when she weaned herself from the shield, I thought I was going to die because it hurt so bad.  I stressed about supply and calories when she didn’t gain a single pound between 2 and 4 months old.  I have had another human being attached to me for 11 months.  In the middle of the night when she cries, it is me that can solve her issue, not anyone else i haven't slept through the night in who knows how long. I have been exposed in Mexican restaurant, leaked all over myself too many time to count, been given dirty looks, been offered a blanket to cover my kid's head – which I politely but firmly refuse to do - and dealt with so much more.  I have nursed her everywhere you can think of – the car, the grocery store, the beach, a high school football game, a bus, an airplane, restaurants – you name it.  And I stuck with it through thick and thin because the good outweighed the bads.

To me, this is a huge accomplishment.  I am proud to be Hayden's lunch wagon.

I always intended to start weaning at 12 months when she can drink whole milk.  That is fine with me.  But with that looming down on me in less than a month, I am waffling….. And now I feel stressed that it has to be done before we go to Rome.  I thought maybe we could keep  the before bed time feeding until we were both good and ready.  but then Rome happened.

Hell, I don’t even know where to begin weaning her.  I have just secretly hoped she would lose interest and wean herself, but judging by how much she loves the boob, that is not happening.  Admittedly, it is a little bit of selfishness on my part – I love the closeness and I love that time we spend together.  And it doesn’t help that I nurse her to sleep and that she doesn’t exactly sleep through the night.  What am I supposed to do?

So I feel like a total ingrate because I am not very happy about Rome.  I want to cry every time I sit down to nurse Hayden because I know our days are numbered. 

I also understand that going to Rome is too big of an opportunity to turn down. 

So today, I am sad.  You are free to come over and slap me now. I can take it.  But please, get it over with so that I can relish my last months nursing my little one before such a sweet thing must end.